Below Deck Season 12, Episode 9 Recap: Face-Licking and One Very Drunk Swimmer

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🚫 Villa Hangover

The first half of this episode was exhausting. More of the same exhausting, incestuous crew hookup saga that nobody asked for. Solène’s busy playing emotional dodgeball, hopping from Kyle to Damo to Jess—and back again—with the subtlety of a Love Island contestant on a sugar rush. Oh, and at one point, she literally licks Jess’s face. Yuck.

Meanwhile, poor Barbara’s just trying to survive the mess. The only one acting like a real human being, TBH.

Kyle is not amused by Damo swooping in, and honestly? None of us are. This crew’s got less chemistry than a failed science experiment. If I wanted to watch hot people emotionally flail in a villa, I’d fire up Netflix.

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🍽️ The Drama Returns (And So Does the Yacht)

Finally, we’re back on board the St. David, and guess what? The drama doesn’t even wait for dinner. Returning guests Helen and Richard (yep, they’ve tipped well before) are back—with a new plus-one: Kelly. A.k.a. the self-proclaimed Olympic-level swimmer slash full-blown chaos tornado.

Within minutes of boarding, Kelly’s chugging champagne, ignoring safety rules, and diving into the water like she’s training for the French Riviera Games. Captain Kerry is over it, the deck crew is scrambling, and Jess has been downgraded from stew to lifeguard as she chases Kelly around the swim platform.

🫣 Champagne, Chaos & FBI Name-Drops

Things escalate fast. Kelly refuses to follow orders, trashes decor, slurs about the crew being “Democrats” (girl, what?), and then—because we clearly needed more—claims she has the FBI on speed dial.

By the time French authorities are called in, she’s being physically held in a cabin by Damo while yelling about government connections. The crew’s doing crowd control. Frank is alone at the lunch table like, “I didn’t sign up for this.” Honestly, same.

And where’s Fraser in all this? Hiding behind service and still letting Kelly have more champagne. Would Kate Chastain let that fly? Doubtful.

💔 Jess, What Are You Doing?!

Meanwhile, Jess is burning bridges with Barbara left and right. After promising she was into her, Jess goes full Solène-mode, swapping kisses in the pool, in the shower, and at dinner—all within hours. Barbara’s left crying in her interview chair, and all I can say is: girl, you deserve better. Jess finally apologizes… but the damage is done. We’re all side-eyeing, hard.

⚓ Final Thoughts

We waited so long to get off that damn villa storyline—and now we’re back to true Below Deck form: messy charters, chaotic guests, and crew tension so thick you could cut it with a steward’s knife.

This might be the most unhinged charter guest in years. The deck crew’s distracted, safety is a joke, and Kerry’s about to lose it. Honestly? I’m here for it. Bravo finally remembered what show this is.

Let’s just hope next week delivers the arrest we were teased. Because at this point, Kelly getting booted by the French police might be the cleanse this charter needs.

Join us Tuesday at 12PM ET / 9AM PT for Anchor Watch – our weekly Below Deck recap!