The Real Housewives of London Season 1, Episode 5 – “Alcohol & Ozempic” – Juliet Mayhew hosts a perfect picnic, until a surprise guest turns the table into a battlefield.
If last week was simmering, this week came to the boil. Between Buckingham Palace cameos, Aperol Spritz-fuelled gossip, and a Henley-on-Thames showdown, our London ladies have truly outdone themselves. So grab a flute of fizz and let’s dive in…
👸 Terrace Vibes, Palace Prep & Family Giggles
We kick off on Amanda’s fabulous terrace where her business manager, Megan, is chatting tweakments and schedules. Meanwhile, Karen is fretting that she’ll miss her daughter’s first day back at school. Somewhere in the mix, Skibidi gets a mention — yes, you read that right. Even Housewives can’t escape TikTok.
Juliet M is off buying flowers, prepping for a summer picnic, while Panthea’s with her glam squad, gossiping with makeup artist Cookie about her upcoming trip to the annual Buckingham Palace garden party with hubby Ed.
At Nessie’s house, things feel refreshingly wholesome. She’s playing with her sister Neveen and her adorable mum, Peggy. Peggy, in peak mum mode, asks about the Cotswolds trip with a giggle: “Any bitchiness?” She knows her Housewives too well.
Nessie confesses she organised the trip to get the ladies “out from the bitchiness” but admits there was drama between Panthea and Karen. Peggy clutches her pearls (figuratively, of course): “Henry must be shocked, what sort of friends you have? Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!!” Cue laughter all round. Peggy is already this season’s unsung queen.
đź‘‘ Panthea Does The Palace
Panthea twirls for Ed before the garden party: “Tell me the truth, is it too much?” Ed, bless him, replies: “No, it could never be enough. Fantastic. Come on, let’s go!” Their invite is a one-time perk of being “Master Solicitor” and “Mistress Solicitor” for the year.
On the drive, Panthea spills the tea about the other ladies’ Palace invite boasting. None of them have had this extra special invite to the Royal Annual Garden Party, though. Ever the straight-talker, Ed fires back: “No, no, no, you have to do good for your community — so that probably rules out most of your group.” Burn. Panthea lets out her best evil giggle.
Ed then insists she’s not a grudge-bearer (hmm, jury’s out on that one) and reads her the etiquette rules, starting with “Do not ask the monarch about Harry and Meghan.” He’s on a roll, quoting Prince Philip as he opens the car door: “If you see a gentleman holding open a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife!” Iconic.
Inside, Panthea bulldozes to the front, while Ed hangs back in row three. As the King and Queen pass, Panthea curtseys and calls out: “God bless the King, God bless Camilla!”. Camilla seems tickled. Mission accomplished: Panthea’s got her royal footage for Instagram.
🎾 Posh Padel at Earls Court
Next stop: Padel Social Club. Padel – just as posh as tennis, but with a bat-like racket. Juliet M and Nessie rock up in sporty chic, with instructor Jeremy soon joining them. Amanda, naturally, is fashionably late but insists she’s already familiar with Padel: “I played in my early 20s.” Of course she has.
It’s Amanda and Jeremy versus Juliet M and Nessie. The latter take the win, prompting Nessie to quip: “Amanda’s more used to being served than doing the serving.” Ouch.
Post-game, it’s Aperol Spritzes and crisps — très chic. Gossip flows: the Cotswolds trip, Panthea v. Karen, and Karen’s cryptic Instagram post. Juliet M is baffled, while Amanda and Nessie share their takes. Juliet M declares she’ll host a summer picnic, whilst Amanda checks out all the hot men at the club: “I’m gonna get a job here. Next time you come, you’ll see me flipping burgers!” Cue laughter.
đź‘‹ Caroline’s Return and Juliet A’s Arrival
Caroline Stanbury is back, meeting Juliet M at Caviar House, Piccadilly. Champagne flows as they reminisce about Juliet M’s brief bodybuilding phase. Caroline, never one to mince words, recalls that Juliet M looked like “an Oompa-Loompa with muscles” or “a washed-up porn star.” Classic Caroline.
Enter Juliet Angus. “Oh, there she is — finally,” says Caroline. Juliet A breezes in, takes a seat at the table and reminds Juliet M and Caroline that she never says no to a glass of Champagne, to which Caroline shoots back: “You’ve never said no to anything, darling.” The shade! But they laugh, thank goodness.
They reminisce about old London days, facelifts are debated (“You need one,” says Caroline; “Hell no, I will never,” retorts Juliet A), and the Amanda drama surfaces. Juliet A reveals Amanda sent her texts ending their friendship. Juliet M, ever the optimist, invites Juliet A to her picnic — despite Amanda being on the guest list. Someone pass the popcorn.
🛍️ Mansion Makeovers & Retail Therapy
Karen and Amanda hit Derek Rose, Knightsbridge, for interiors inspo. Karen wants “neutral, organic, glam and minimalistic” for her Belgravia mansion. Gucci cushions at £800? “Such a joke.” Louis Vuitton trunks at £4,200? “That’s not bad.” Priorities.
Over plush interior fabrics and luxury price tags, Karen admits she thought that the ladies would be happy that she and Panthea were reconciling. She noticed some of them weren’t. She suspects “some hypocrites here.”
🍟 Chips, Chatter and Cryptic Posts
Nessie and Panthea meet at The Mayfair Chippy, Knightsbridge, where Nessie coos: “I like it up here, it’s so cute.” Over lunch, Nessie says she enjoys discovering Panthea’s many sides. Panthea teases that Nessie has a naughty streak, to which Nessie laughs.
But the conversation turns heavy. Panthea reveals Karen admitted to her that she’d recently said nasty things about Panthea on purpose — just to see who’d be against Panthea or defend her. Nessie gasps: “No, stop it!” Then came Karen’s cryptic Instagram post. Panthea, now fully distrustful, thinks that Karen just wants drama.
đź«Ł Picnic Pandemonium
Juliet M’s picnic in Henley-on-Thames is set against a picture-perfect riverside backdrop. Karen tells Amanda that she and Panthea have “settled their differences” and are in “a good place.” Let’s hope so.
Then Juliet A arrives. Amanda fakes a smile but tension fills the air. When asked how they know each other, Juliet A claims they “used to be best friends.” Amanda snaps back: “We were not best friends.” The table gasps. Juliet A insists they were close during lockdown. Amanda, cutting: “Slim pickings, probably.” during lockdown. Even Juliet M protests: “That was a pretty harsh thing.” Amanda shrugs: “She asked for it.”
Things spiral. Juliet A calls Amanda “Cruella de’Vil” and “My Fair Lady gone wrong.” Juliet A tries to defend and explain their past friendship to the ladies, explaining that she’s met Amanda’s family and been to her house numerous times. Amanda fires back that Juliet A only came round to borrow dresses. Juliet A accuses Amanda of being a “white witch.” Panthea chips in: “I’ve heard that too.” Oof.
The fight explodes:
- Amanda: “How’s the alcohol going for you?”
- Juliet A: “How’s your fucking skinny pen and all the Ozempic you’ve shot in your body for the last 5 years going?”
- Amanda: “Pretty good, I’ve lost 8 kilos.”
The table actually laughs. But things turn icy when Amanda recalls that she was a good friend to Juliet A when Juliet A’s marriage was on the rocks. Juliet A storms off, shouting: “People run from you, men run from you.” Amanda, cool as a cucumber: “Chill out love, chill out, have another drink.”
The table sits in stunned silence.
To be continued…
– Joanne đź‘‘
One Response
Joanne! You are killing it with these recaps! I have two episodes to catch up on tonight. đź‘‘