The Real Housewives of London Season 1, Episode 8 – “Loch Mess” – Tensions flare in Scotland, but a bird, boat ride, and bagpipes may just help this group find peace.
The Real Housewives of London continue their Scottish castle chaos this week — and it’s somehow messier, louder, and even more gloriously British than before. Between Nessie’s one-liners, Amanda’s meltdowns, and Benjamin the concierge clutching his clipboard in despair, this dinner party should’ve come with a hazard warning.
🍽 Dinner Disasters
“You are mature women. Stop it,” Nessie pleads as chaos erupts at the dinner table. The castle manager appears, reminding them they’re not the only paying guests. Juliet M adds, “If you carry on, you’ll have to leave.” Naturally, they carry on.
Amanda fires the first shot: “She lives in a dump.”
Karen, wisely, sips her tea in silence.
Nessie slams her hand down on the table: “Stop it. Enough. I look amazing and I’m not wasting this!” Iconic.
Juliet A, undeterred, hisses: “She’s trash. Trash.”
Amanda bites back, “You’re out of your league.”
Juliet A flees to the toilet, with Nessie hot on her heels to console her. Juliet A tears up as Nessie gives her some much-needed reassurance. Meanwhile, Amanda remains at the table, still eating — and still fuming.
“She’s a lowlife,” Amanda says between mouthfuls. Karen raises an eyebrow: “You shouldn’t call her that.”
The staff hover nervously. Benjamin from concierge appears where Nessie and Juliet A are talking, ever the professional he says: “Ladies, your scallops will get cold.” Juliet A apologises sweetly, and they return to the table, which finally quietens. For now.
💄 Mutton, Models & Mayhem
Panthea breaks the silence, sharing how little she weighed after having her baby. Amanda can’t resist: “I was back modelling – lingerie – six weeks after giving birth.”
Panthea shoots back, “It used to be about you, Amanda. Now it’s mutton dressed as lamb.”
Ouch.
Panthea continues, “Let’s take the make-up off, put the hair up, and see what you fucking look like, bitch.”
Amanda rolls her eyes: “You’ve got a swinging reputation.”
Juliet A sighs, “You keep just… throwing things out.”
Amanda snarls, “Back off.”
In confessional, the women question if Panthea really is a swinger — the gossip practically writes itself. Back at the table, Panthea’s had enough. “You’re a fucking bitch and a lowlife. I can’t sit with someone like you.”
Benjamin, poor man, is standing by — mortified.
Amanda smirks, “Off you trot.”
As Panthea storms off, Amanda adds, “Did it hit a nerve?”
“Stop the nonsense,” Panthea snaps, before calling Amanda a swinger in confessional.
Amanda declares, “Panthea thinks it’s okay to shame beautiful women.” Nessie urges her to be the bigger person, while Karen warns her there are other guests nearby. Benjamin reappears, clearly traumatised but ever so polite: “There are guests in the other room. They say you’re a bit noisy.”
“My sincere apologies,” Nessie says, hand on heart. Class act.
🕊 Morning Mayhem
Juliet M had previously announced to the ladies the evening before, “Penthouse at 8:45 — big surprise!” Before that, though, there’s another round of grievances.
Amanda visits Nessie, claiming Karen called her after last night’s dinner drama, for a 40-minute debrief. Amanda says Karen defended her, adding that Panthea and Juliet A “want to attack my looks and reputation. It’s not going to happen. I’m an ex-model. Get over it.”
She brands them “two poisoned trolls” and demands that Nessie “have some balls and pick a side.”
“Why should I stick to one side?” Nessie counters.
“Sometimes in life you have to,” Amanda insists.
Juliet M suddenly walks in with a cheery “Good morning!” — the tension could curdle milk.
Karen joins and Amanda publicly thanks her for the support, with just enough bite to make sure Nessie and Juliet M get the message. Karen admits Juliet A and Panthea “had it coming.” Panthea arrives just as Amanda leaves for “calls.”
Juliet A joins later, still emotional. “None of you felt sorry for me?” she asks. Karen says she tried to stay Switzerland. In confessional, Panthea rolls her eyes: “Karen’s Amanda’s puppy dog.”
🦅 Birds, Bagpipes & Banter
Outside, the ladies meet falconer Roxanne and River, a white-tailed sea eagle. “Can they handle it? Can the bird handle them?” Juliet M jokes.
River lands on Juliet A’s head — naturally. Amanda shrieks, “I’ve already been attacked by a couple of old birds; I don’t need another!” and flees before her blow-dry suffers.
Panthea follows her for a heart-to-heart. They discuss careers, reputations, and truth — until Panthea calls Amanda “the biggest hypocrite.” in confessional and brings up the subject of Juliet A. Amanda shoots back, “Leave Juliet A out of it — she’s ugly enough and old enough to fight her own battles.”
Somehow, they end up agreeing to move on and hug. A Scottish miracle.
Benjamin reappears (again) to usher them back: “Ladies, there’s more on offer today.” His patience deserves a medal.
🛶 Puffins, Picnics & Peace (Sort Of)
The group split into two cars — Amanda, Karen, and Panthea in one; Juliet A, Juliet M, and Nessie in the other. Juliet A calls Amanda “the Loch Ness monster.” Nessie deadpans, “That’s my thing. Leave Nessie the hell out of this.” Perfection.
They board a sea safari to a private island. Puffins, sea breeze, and finally — some calm. Juliet M has arranged a stunning seaside picnic, complete with champagne, lobster, and smoked salmon.
Castle proprietor Paul welcomes them: “The island is 60 million years old — and home to dragons in caves.”
Juliet M quips, “I think we’ve got enough dragons around the table.”
Amanda shares a dating update; Panthea tells a horror story about a man expecting her to pay the bill. Amanda’s confessional? “A gracious man would never ask a lady — emphasis on lady — to pick up the bill.”
Juliet A reminisces about meeting her husband Gregor, then asks what’s planned for the evening. Juliet M pleads, “Can we not have low blows tonight?” Amanda agrees: “I’m over it.” They toast to moving on — and for five blissful minutes, they actually do.
💃 Haggis, Highland & Happy Endings
That evening, they don tartan for a lavish greenhouse dinner. A piper greets them; having heard enough of the bagpipes already, Amanda groans but claps along.
Their host performs ‘Address to a Haggis’ by Robert Burns — Nessie admits she doesn’t understand a word, but “appreciates the sentiment.”
They discuss what’s in haggis. Karen looks shocked when she learns what haggis is made from: “I’m not eating a sheep’s batty.”
Amanda says she was sorry to hear about the passing of Juliet A’s father. “You’ve been through a lot,” she says softly. Juliet A calls it “a glimpse of the old Amanda.”
Juliet M toasts them all — finally, some warmth.
Then Benjamin reappears, grinning: “I cannot wait to show you what’s next!” Cue traditional Scottish dancers and a full Ceilidh. The ladies whirl, spin, and giggle. Panthea flirts, Amanda snipes in confessional, and for one shining moment, they all laugh together.
Nessie sums it up perfectly: “We’ve ended on such a positive note — long may it last.”
Cut to next week’s preview: Amanda and Juliet A are screaming again.
“Move the fuck away from me!” Juliet A shouts.
Ah well — it was nice while it lasted.
– Joanne 👑
