The Valley Season 2, Episode 9 Recap: Hot Messes…and I mean HOT! If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when emotional healing meets a Domino’s delivery, this is it.
🍟 Brittany’s Healing Tour
Forget therapy. Brittany’s working through her trauma with a buffet of carbs and a garbage bag full of Jax’s sneakers. Iconic. And let’s talk about the culinary centerpiece of the night: a literal bowl of McDonald’s fries. Not ideal for freshness, but A+ for drama. Also, Kristen Doute out here playing chaotic stylist, splitting up pairs of Jax’s shoes like she’s setting up a scavenger hunt. This is Emmy-worthy pettiness. Truly.
🍻 Britt’s of Studio City + Jax & Jesse
Zack & Co. said “let’s change the signage AND the storyline,” and slapped Britt’s name all over Jax’s bar. They made merch. They made memories. And guess what? Jax wasn’t even out of rehab yet. Petty level: Expert.
Jax faking a medical emergency while in rehab—like, making the receptionist cry level manipulation? Yep. That happened. Meanwhile, Jesse is still in full conspiracy mode about Michelle. This week’s flavor: she was dating Tarantino and moonlighting as a high-end escort. Pick a delusion and stick with it, babe. I’m really feeling sorry for her.
💍 The Ring Drama That Refuses to Die
Jasmine offers Jason and Janet Caperna another chance to actually have a conversation during Kristen’s housewarming party.
They finally sit down with Jasmine to rehash RingGate. Jasmine apologizes (growth!), and Janet? Fully aware she’s a Karen, and honestly? Self-awareness is sexy. Still, I think we can all agree this ring convo has lasted longer than some of the actual marriages on this show. Hope this resolution lasts. Now Janet has to deal with Kristen.
🌪️ Enter: Dark Side Danny
Danny shows up to Britt’s Bar Bash™ like he’s starring in his own cautionary tale. He’s drinking, mumbling, and inserting himself into convos no one asked him to join. Even Nia couldn’t rein him in. Jason nicknames him “Danny Darko” and Janet’s delivering one-liners like she’s auditioning for a Real Housewives confessional. What is happening?!
🎬 Final Thoughts (And Demands)
- Jax and Jesse: vanish like cold fries
- Brittany: in her full Baddie Era
- Michelle: deserves a whole support squad and a damn pizza party!
- Kristen: still the MVP of messy and only just getting started
- Never want to hear the word scrotox ever again, thanks.
Bravo, if you’re listening, give Michelle her moment, give Kristen a spin-off, and give me another Brookie.
That’s it for now. See y’all at Britt’s. I’ll be the one holding the t-shirt cannon and the last slice of quesadilla. This episode wasn’t my fav, but we’ll keep it moving! Drop your thoughts below 👇
The Valley airs on Bravo every Tuesday at 8PM ET!
– Lexi 💅
3 Responses
I feel so bad for Michelle, she will get hate for her feeling like “What about me?” Just like scheena and lala do but I understand what she means. Both Jesse and Jax are narcissistic but different types. I do think Jesse is a better Dad than Jax but he is not easier to co parent with. Jesse spent all their money (they had over a million according to Michelle) Jax racked up debt. Jax is a drug addict. Jesse is an alcoholic.
I’ll make you a pizza Michelle, no fast food!
⏱️🧨➡️💥
hot. mess. express.